OK, boys, the action movie event of the year is here — time to bring out a six-pack and read my review. And if any girls happen to read this, well, pretend you’re a rugged man who hasn’t shaved for a week (I haven’t) and read on.
“The Expendables” is the movie that unites the biggest action stars of past and present, and I’ve been hyping this movie since I first heard of it. I was really hoping this was going to be a truly great movie. If it wasn’t, I’d be very, very disappointed. So — what’s it like? Is it any good? Do people get their heads blown off and limbs severed?
Writer and director Sylvester Stallone is mercenary Barney Ross, who along with his team of bad asses tour the world, accepting suicide missions. The rest of them are Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Ying Yang (Jet Li), Toll Road (Randy Couture), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) and Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren). It all begins in Somalia, where the team is to rescue a bunch of Americans held hostage.
It almost goes wrong when mad-cap Jensen suddenly yells “Warning shot!” and blows the torso off one of the enemies. Jensen goes crazy, tries to hang one of the bad guys, and Ying Yang must fight the gigantic viking to stop him. Jensen is kicked out of the team.
Back in the States, Christmas has problems with his girlfriend (Charisma Carpenter) who’s found a new guy — so Christmas beats the shit out of the new guy and his friends and sticks a knife in a basketball. Well, it’s a guy thing.
The team hangs out at Tool’s (Mickey Rourke) tattoo parlor, they ride bikes and tell stories about Bosnia, they tease each other and smack girls on the butt. As one does. Then Barney is off to church.
In said church, he’s briefed about a new mission by a guy who calls himself “Church” (Bruce Willis). Another tough guy, Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger) enters; he’s also been offered the mission. Barney and Trench don’t like each other, no Sir, but Trench has other things to do and lets Barney have the mission and leaves. “What’s his f*cking problem?” Church asks. “He wants to become president,” Barney says.
The team is sent to a South American island to stop an insane general, but while there they discover that it isn’t really the general the team’s employers are after, but a certain drug lord called Munroe (Eric Roberts). The contact on the island is a young woman called Sandra (Giselle Itié), who also happens to be the daughter of the general. She doesn’t like her dad, to put it mildly.
Barney and his men blow everything to smithereens, but this is still only the beginning of the movie. Both the general and Munroe survive, and for some reason, Sandra decides to stay on the island. Barney can’t stop thinking about Sandra, so he decides to go back and rescue her from the talons of Munroe and his evil, violent men (Gary Daniels and Steve Austin). And Munroe has hired a new guy: Gunner Jensen …
Heads will roll. Blood will spatter.
“The Expendables” feels like a movie designed for my generation — men born in the 1960s. When I was a teenager in the ’80s, some of these guys ruled the movie theaters. I’m older than 40 now, but still think these guys rock. Of course, I do! And so do the action stars who joined in during the ’90s (Li, Daniels) and the new millennium (Statham). I’ve absolutely no idea what today’s generation is going to think about this movie. The few women, all but one very young, attending the press screening, giggled quite a lot at the goings-on.
Well, what can I say? This is a manly film. Oh my, is it manly! “The Expendables” is so manly, had it been an aftershave, the scent would’ve been called “Sweat and Tobacco.”
Is it violent? You can bet yer manly ass it’s violent! I was a bit worried it would get trimmed down for a PG-13 rating, producer Avi Lerner threatened to do that since PG-13 movies like “Live Free or Die Hard” made more money than the gore fest “Rambo” (the fourth installment). Fortunately, Stallone’s new epic got an R rating. The movie isn’t as violent as “Rambo”, but it comes close: People explode when hit by bullets, swarthy enemies have their hands, arms and heads cut off, and most of the buildings on the island blow up. And yes, characters actually swear in this movie. No nudity, though. (I have to deduct a point or two for that.)
One thing I don’t really approve is the sometimes extremely rapid editing. When it’s action — and most of this movie is action — I want to be able to see everything that happens, and sometimes it’s a tad hard to register who kills who in the carnage. And some of the dialogue is bizarre. I’m not sure if it’s on purpose or not. But hey, that doesn’t matter? You don’t watch a movie like “The Expendables” for the dialogue, do you? You do?! And who the hell are you, if I may ask?
Most of the action is terrific. One action sequence belongs in the “best I’ve ever seen” category — it’s absolutely insane. Everybody versus everybody, using fists, knives and guns. It’s Gary Daniels versus both Jet Li and Jason Statham at the same time. This fight is marvelous — Corey Yuen was Li’s fight choreographer.
All of these guys have a great presence on the screen. Especially Dolph Lundgren. It’s great to see him in a big movie again. And it’s fun to finally see Gary Daniels in a movie like this. I mustn’t forget Eric Roberts, a great actor who’s made some bad choices career wise through out the years. The man is cooler than cool as Munroe.
Some of my friends and colleagues complained that the final battle went on for ever. Yes! It’s enormous! Everything you can blow up, blows up! I, for one, didn’t complain. I guess my friends and colleagues are wimps who should stick to “Eat Pray Love,” which stars Eric Roberts’ sister Julia. And believe me, that is not a manly film!
“The Expendables” kind of feels like a typical 1980s action movie from Cannon Films, directed by Menahem Golan — but with more stars and a much bigger budget. In many ways, NU Image/Millennium Films is the Cannon of the 2000s. And this may be a problem. The story does feel a little thin an unoriginal; Michael Dudikoff has been upgraded to Sylvester Stallone. But on the other hand, the slim storyline is compensated for with a massive amount of action, violence and hardware.
“The Expendables” is explosive entertainment, a movie tailor made for us who think action movies were better in the ’80s. Matt Damon and Keanu Reeves would’ve been bullied by the rest of the cast had they dared to appear here.
It’ll be interesting to see if the upcoming “Machete,” another super-violent actioner with a great cast, can beat this…
Now I’m just waiting for a B-movie cash-in starring Michael Dudikoff, Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Michael Paré, Olivier Gruner and Lorenzo Lamas as “Mr. X”.
Click HERE for my interview with Dynamic Dolph Lundgren!
Click HERE for my interview with Gargantuan Gary Daniels!
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